My Two Cents (Daily) - Fox's Cosmos official, plus Winter's Tale, new column & BD review http://t.co/qCU1r036Nr
Jaws: Collectible Bottle Opener
Release Date(s)2013 (December 4, 2013)
Studio(s)Universal Studios (Factory Entertainment)
Hardware Format: Stainless Steel/Class-2 Fulcrum
Type: Carcharodon carcharias (a.k.a. “Bruce”)
Bite Pressure: A+
Sheer Awesomeness: A
“We’re gonna need a bigger bottle…”
One of life’s unsung heroes is the small but mighty “bottle opener.” It’s taken so for granted, many people have them on their key chains and have completely forgotten about them being in their pockets. At house parties, all across the world, someone is bound to ask “Hey, where’s your bottle opener?” because the host forgot to lay one out and it still sits quietly on the bottom of a kitchen drawer.
I personally keep what’s known as a “waiter’s friend” on my person unless I’m travelling; and even then, I keep a small church-key in my toiletry bag. In other words, I appreciate the art of opening bottles. So, when Factory Entertainment announced their Jaws Collectible Bottle Opener… I was very excited.
Let’s talk about the packaging: From the get go, everything about this opener screams “Buy Me!” The collectible packaging is breathtaking. A small rectangle box with metallic red lettering and stylized shark jaws on the short left and right sides make this a package you might not want to open. But don’t let that feeling take control, because when you do open the box, you’ll see a jaws-dropping metal opener housed in its own platter – with lyrics from the sea song “Spanish Ladies” as sung by Quint (Robert Shaw) in the film on the slide out tray. It’s a nice touch all around, showcasing the great thorough work Factory puts into even the smallest of their collectibles.
The opener is a deceivingly heavy, but quite holdable, stainless class-2 fulcrum, which means it opens bottle caps by pulling up on the lever. The main contact points are inside the shark’s mouth – bottom teeth go under the cap and the top jaws push down. The whole body of the shark fits neatly in the hand with the dorsal fin snug alongside your thumb. I highly doubt anyone would make this their primary opener (it’s almost too “nice” for extreme use) – but it would rightly serve that purpose if you chose to do so.
To review the functionality of the opener itself, I had to run it through its paces a bit. A grabbed a large selection of beers and colas – all with caps of varying degrees of removal complications. I also pulled out a few of my trusty stand-by openers to help gauge the new opener’s success.
You’ll see on my make-shift bar mat a Speed Opener/Bar Blade, the Jaws Opener, a bulky, molded metal church key (which has the cleanest “open” of any of my openers), my Waiter’s Friend and a simple opener shaped like Mickey Mouse. So, we have a good cross-section of hand openers on display here.
Let’s get to opening, shall we?
First up: A Guinness Foreign Extra. One of my favorite beers, the cap is known for its medium-tricky pull. It’s not for beginners.
The Jaws Opener makes clean contact on the cap. The crown holds good traction and the cap comes off clean. As you can see by the blur in a few of the images, I wasn’t fully prepared for the cap to come off so clean! This Opener makes fine and very quick work of any cap it bites into.
Next we try out a Coca-Cola from Mexico. This one, as you would expect, was easy: smooth and simple – child’s play for ol’ Bruce here.
Oh, yeah – I’m enjoying this opener so much I named it Bruce, after Steven Spielberg’s lawyer Bruce Ramer. This may be too inside baseball, but it seemed like the thing to do.
Clown Shoes – along with having a great brand name – is also a damn fine beer. Here we have their Imperial Amber Ale: Eagle Claw Fist. Delicious... and a super hard cap to remove.
And yet, no problem for Bruce. The cap came off with one smooth tug – bottom teeth grabbed, top teeth suck in – and pop.
For those with arthritic hands that may want to use an opener to help them start a can tab, the tail fin actually does a nice job with that.
As this can of Crunk Energy Drink can attest, it pops the top with not a problem. Extra points Factory!
Finally, I ran the opener through the paces of some incredibly delicious premium beers with legendarily stiff caps. As you can see...
… the Japanese are no match for this mighty shark…
… and neither are the British. This opener is simply eating through these caps.
Finally, American Craft beer falls to the whims of the mighty Bruce! I only have one more test I can put this thing through – one final trick up my sleeve. If it can open this, it can open anything.
The Bodega soda. Many a person, unable to twist the cap – even risking tearing the palm – has shunned this tasty but complicated city-bound beverage. Does Bruce fear this sweet treat?
Nope. Pops it like a champ!
That’s it, I call it. There is not a cap in the world this bad boy can’t open. The Jaws Collectible Bottle Opener gets as good a rating as you can get from this Bottlesmith. It’s too pretty for me to use on a daily basis, but it will sit proudly on my shelf of treasured (and stolen) barware, guarding them from like-minded thieves.
Bruce, my friend, you deserve a Guinness of your own. Drink up! You’ve earned it.
- Todd Doogan